Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Cheer Up, for God's Sake

I admit, I've been pretty down the past few days.

I lost my job and the freaking Gators threw away the game in the Elite Eight. Gotta dwell on that for a minute. We were playing badly and still beating Butler. We let them back in the game, got frustrated about it and BLEW IT. Blew the last second shot with some off-balanced crap and handed them overtime. I cried. In the middle of the bar. Then I proceeded to embarrass my sweet friends by threatening to lecture every person in said bar who wasn't crying about being a real fan. Thankfully, I was forcibly removed from the situation. (Shout-out to Griff, Tori, Alayna, Daugherty and Yost.) Not to mention that my bracket was completely ruined. You may say, "but who's wasn't?" This guy.

Anyway, it is time to buck up.

I've compiled a list of happy things going on in my life and the rest of the world. Step back from the ledge and enjoy.
  • Lean Pockets. I just discovered these. Besides the occasional one I used to drunkenly steal from Cody when we were roommates, they just weren't on my grocery list. But now, I'm borderline obsessed. I am accepting suggestions on which varieties I should buy. I can't just blindly buy them anymore, I ain't got no job.
  • The Man Repeller. My favorite blog. The MR highlights the elements of fashion that will scare the hard-on out of even the hardest man. The definition of a "man repeller":
    outfitting oneself in a sartorially offensive way that will result in repelling members of the opposite sex. Such garments include but are not limited to harem pants, boyfriend jeans, overalls (see: human repelling), shoulder pads, full length jumpsuits, jewelry that resembles violent weaponry and clogs.
I am proud to say I have worked to become more man-repelling myself. Top knots, red lips, everything leopard. I had to force myself with the leopard thing...
Just kidding. Cue the leopard montage.

But seriously, look at these sick leopard nails.
  • Jesus M. Christ. If you're on Twitter, you have to follow Jesus. He is the funniest, most irreverent son of God on the whole internet. Some of my favorite tweets:
Left a door open this morning & Dad says "Were you born in a barn?!" & I say "Yes, as a matter of fact, I fucking was!" Dick.

Eating Cadbury Eggs around Easter make my crucifixion worth it.

I was born to a single mother, had a posse and was murdered. Are you guys REALLY surprised to find out that I was black?!

Remember, everyone: Halloween is a pagan holiday, and as true Christians, you should... LOL JK go get drunk and eat candy.

It's pretty nice being all-knowing. I never forget my mom's birthday, September 8th--OH MY DAD THAT'S TODAY

If you don’t to follow Jesus in real life, the least you can do is follow me on Twitter.

Nobody fucks with Jesus.
  • Tangled. This movie comes out on DVD today. It is a must see. I laughed, I cried, I FREAKING LOVED IT. Here is my favorite song from the movie, featuring everyone's least favorite Romano brother. Sidenote: Another song from the movie was nominated for an Oscar and lost to Randy You-Got-A-Friend-In-Me Newman. I hate Randy Newman's voice. My dad likes to torture me with his music. And he sings a song about how short people should kill themselves.

Are you feeling happier yet?

Start the Blog Back Up

Yes, friends. I am back. I am yet again unemployed.

Laid off. I know, bummer. But as many of my friends could tell you (or anyone who monitors my Facebook activity), my former job was walking the line between dull and mind-numbing. Everything happens for a reason, right?*

Anyway, getting to write this blog again is certainly a silver lining. Here are a few others I came up with:
  • Getting back that unemployed glow. Being in a office all day really got in the way of my tan.
  • Watching "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Oh yeah, I will be nerding out at 1 o'clock every day. The problem here is that "Maury" comes on at the same time. Luckily, if you only watch "Maury" in the commercials, you are usually about to piece together who is actually the father. They do a lot of recapping.
  • Sleeping in. An obvious one. I haven't lost my college ability to sleep until afternoon.
  • Free time. "Hey Mari, do you want to [insert activity here] at [random time]?" Rude, that is a pretty inappropriate way to fill in the blanks. But besides that, I am available!**
  • Saying, "Bitch, I ain't got no job." So far, I've really been enjoying this. Try it. But only once, because you don't have the credentials.
I am obviously looking for a new job. If anyone has any tips or leads, I'll give you a blog shout-out in exchange for them. I know, what a cool deal!1!! In the mean time, I'm promise to keep you updated on the boring totally exciting things I do. For example, I Google image searched "silver lining" and found that t-shirt. $26.95. Maybe they're hiring in the world of overpriced, nerdy t-shirt making...

*Psych. I hate the saying "everything happens for a reason," and I can almost say I hate anyone who says it. Read this insightful/scathing piece on that irritating bit of "inspiration." But my last job did give me a chance to read a LOT of Cracked, one of my favorites. It's like a hilarious Jeopardy! study guide.
**As long as said activity is free. C'mon bitch, I ain't got no job.